Missed Connections in Ann Arbor, MI: You Need to Trim Your Bush

I am Jack, hear me lumber! by Pascal

You Need to Trim Your Bush
Missed Connections in Ann Arbor

In the sidewalk median between our driveways you have planted some sort of Lost in Space/Outer Limits bush that multiples in size every few days. The only time I have seen you outside was when you were planting the nefarious bulbs, which have since grown so high that they are impeding our vision of the street. In fact, just yesterday afternoon I nearly struck a pedestrian with my vehicle simply because she was obscured entirely by the humongous bush as I backed up. Then, wiping my brow, I was almost struck by oncoming traffic. Two (2) separate cars honked and drove around, both of which I could not see because of those lush green fronds. On account of your massively overgrown bush, 5+ people came close to sustaining an injury of some sort.

If you indeed live in the house closest to this abomination and were not simply a transient arboreal thug, you will have noticed that I took matters into my own hands. With a rusty, inefficient pair of garden shears I swiftly trimmed your bush so that backing up onto the street will once again be safe.

I will continue to ambush your bush every few days since it poses a neighborhood security hazard. If you do not like the haircuts I administer to your bush, make your own plans to keep its groddy mane tamed. There is clearly a missed connection between the role that you think your overgrown bush is serving and its actual function as an object of terror on the sidewalk median.

NOTE FROM THE MISSED CONNECTIONS CHIEF BOTTLE FINDER:

Well, I guess some neighbors kind of prefer the “au natural” urban-jungle look… perhaps our poet can take a page out of the Sex & the City playbook and convince them that trimming the bush will make their house will look bigger? 😉

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